


One In Each Hand

by pansypoppy



Category: EXO (Band), Sekai - Fandom
Genre: A dying Sehun, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bottom Oh Sehun, Fluff, M/M, Romance, Sad and Happy, Sad with a Happy Ending, Slice of Life, sekai - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-20
Updated: 2019-05-20
Packaged: 2020-03-08 17:33:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18899377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pansypoppy/pseuds/pansypoppy
Summary: Jongin tells Sehun everything he wants to and everything that Sehun should know before it's too late.





	One In Each Hand

**Author's Note:**

> This is going to be super short because I am not in the mood to write but I have to or else this idea is going to hunt me. It's going to be super angsty so prepare some tissues.

 

 ***

"He's too weak, his heart cannot beat on its own now but the machine keeps him alive." Chanyeol's voice is shaking a little even though he tries so hard not to show how weak he is. Baekhyun is there beside him and he is holding his hand tightly as if Chanyeol would collapse if he let him go.  And I am speechless for so many reasons but if you want me to list down a few, first, I can't believe that Sehun is seriously going to leave me even when I have given to him every reason to stay. Second, it's our 5th anniversary tomorrow and I want to propose to him but Sehun is actually dying. Third, Chanyeol looks so sad. It's obvious that he has stopped hoping. 

Chanyeol hopes for so many things but most of the time he hopes for Sehun to recover quickly so that he can have a normal life. It's a nonsense wish and wishful thinking because we all know that it's impossible because Sehun is dying and it's so damn obvious - but we want to live, we want Sehun to live so we don't mind lying to each other, we don't mind lying to ourselves. Sehun knows that we lie to him too but just like us he doesn't mind us lying because that's better than spending his last days with the truth that he's dying. I smile a little when Sehun crosses my mind. It's so easy to smile when you can picture him smiling perfectly inside your head. I look back to Chanyeol, he is now sitting on the bench and his head drops so low as if his life has been taken away from him. Baekhyun is still beside him, he's hugging him as he whispers comforting words to him.

I am always grateful that Chanyeol dates a guy as sweet and as kind as Baekhyun. Baekhyun never complains whenever he has to take care of Sehun. Honestly, he can leave. He can date a guy who doesn't have a dying younger brother but no, when he met Sehun for the first time he actually fell for him. Of course, I fell for Sehun the first time I met him too. Sehun is just so lovable. You cannot resist his smile, his laugh, especially his eyes that are deeper than the ocean. Maybe, Baekhyun fell for him because of one of those three reasons and I don't mind about it because I always want Sehun to know that he is loved by many even when he is bald, even when his lips are chapped and he's as skinny as a skeleton. I want him to know that he is loved not because he's dying but because of the fact that he's beautiful and he is as kind as an angel.

I met Sehun six years ago when were both eighteen. He happened to be my roommate and I was happened to be a jerk. I wasn't actually a jerk but as an eighteen years old boy it was so odd to have my heart beat like a drum whenever he was around so I chose to be a jerk. That way, he will hate me, and he will stay away from me but this is Sehun we talk about. He is sassy, he won't back away unless you tell him what is his fault for you to treat him like a dog. This happened a year after we met, Sehun just got back from a party and his lips were so swollen as if he was kissed by someone and I just can't stop thinking about how mad I was at the man or woman who dared to kiss my Sehun like that. Yes, my Sehun, in my mind and heart, he is always mine. So I actually called him cheap for kissing around a random person and he glared at me and said: "Jongin, what the fuck did I do to you that you won't give me a break? I am tired and I want to sleep yet you're here and you act like a total jerk."

I remember myself smirking. "Give you a break? No, I hate you, remember?" I replied, confidently but he took off his shirt and threw it somewhere in our room and I lost half of my sanity upon seeing his flawless body even when I have seen it thousands of times already, I mean, we were roommates so it was normal to see each other's body. 

"Listen, Kim Jongin," he called me with my full name and I was actually feeling so nervous that I broke into cold sweats because I never thought that my name was going to sound so sexy. "If you like me, man up. Kiss me, push me onto the wall, fuck me," he continued and I was gaping in disbelief. I was about to ask him where the hell he got an idea that I actually like him but he was fast to talk again. He said: "You call my name in your sleep. You call me pretty. You said I have a nice ass. Don't let me start on those dirty words you said to me in your filthy dream. Stop acting like a jerk because I like you too. I like you a lot!" and I didn't even wait for him to catch his breath because the next thing I remember he was panting and moaning and I was buried deep inside him.

Long story short. we became boyfriends. It was two years ago when Sehun was diagnosed with stage three of myeloma. Myeloma is a rare type of cancer that develops in plasma cells. Normally, in our body, plasma cells are responsible for recognizing and fighting off invading germs and infections but in Sehun's body, the cancer cells overtake the healthy plasma cells and this causes a depletion of much-needed white blood cells. The thing about cancer, it's a fast and silent killer - and it's so damn unpredictable. Cancer is evil. Sehun eats a lot of medicine, I can't even name them. He underwent countless of chemotherapy sessions. But since cancer is evil Sehun is now lying on a hospital bed with a machine by his side that keeps his heart beating.

To be frank, I want to cry. I want to curse our fate for being such a jerk. I want to shout. I want to kick things. I want to kill myself. But Sehun made me promise to him that I won't shed a single tear in front of Chanyeol for he is his pillar of strength so I don't cry. Yes, Sehun loves me a lot and he hates to see me cry but he loves his brother more than he ever loved anything. Chanyeol is his mother and father. Chanyeol taught him to read. Chanyeol worked so hard to take care of him. Chanyeol is all he has - so seeing him cry is the last thing Sehun wants to see. That's why I never cry in front of Chanyeol. I have to convince Chanyeol that Sehun is alright, that I am alright.

I take a deep breath as I seat beside Chanyeol, he quickly looks at me with his teary eyes and he hugs me. "How come you're not crying, he's your whole world." He remarks.

I smile. He's right, Sehun. You're my whole world but I am not going to cry because I have seen you suffer enough. No offence, but I'm actually glad that God is going to take you away soon. As much as I love you, I want you to be happy too. I don't want you to be in pain just because I want you to stay by my side.

"Of course, he's my everything," I reply. "But I won't cry. Not now. Not when he can listen to us. Not when he's hoping for us to send him away with a smile on our face."

"But it's so hard," Chanyeol sobs. He sobs so hard that I can barely understand what he's trying to say.

"It is, but let's do this for one last time for Sehun. Okay?" He nods his head. "Now smile," I add and he smiles, as wide as he can.

 

 

 

 

***

Chanyeol is inside with Baekhyun, they are talking to Sehun but Sehun isn't replying to anything they say, he can't. The clock strikes 3 in the morning and I am so damn tired that I can't even eat. My body is sore. My mind is blank. My heart is breaking. It's finally here, the Grimm Reaper is probably somewhere looking for Sehun's ward and I couldn't even take a breath without thinking that in a few minutes (hours if the Grimm Reaper couldn't find Sehun's ward) I will live without Sehun by my side. Doctor Kim called us a few hours ago and told us that Sehun is so weak, weaker than he was three days ago. So he asked us to get ready emotionally. Doctor Kim is silly. No one will ever be ready to lose someone they love but we nodded our head without much talking because we know that sooner or later Sehun will leave us for a better place.

I take a glance on the clock again, it's 5 minutes past 3 in the morning now. Chanyeol is not going to leave Sehun anytime soon, he has so much to say to him. So I take out my phone from my backpack which is packed with my dirty clothes but I find the tiny red box that I am about to give Sehun two days ago instead. I open it and I see the ring that surely will fit perfectly on Sehun's finger. Of course, I am sad. No, I am beyond sad because Sehun will never have a chance to say 'yes' but I know that if he can he will say it loudly, proudly and surely - and automatically a smile appears on my face. There's no way he will reject me, he loves me so much. I keep the tiny red box back and I take out my phone. I open my gallery and I am not surprised that I see a lot of photos of Sehun.

I love taking photos of him. He's just so beautiful. Sehun is like an ocean, he is beautiful from any angle. I come across a photo of him with my dogs, I hate my dogs for loving Sehun more than they ever loved me but then again no one and nothing can resist Sehun, so they are forgiven. In that photo, Sehun is smiling as Janggu licks his face and Jjangah is biting the hem of his tee shirt. He is wearing my tee shirt actually and I remember everything perfectly. It was on the 25th of June, he wanted to sleep at my house and I had no reason to turn him down. We kissed a lot that night. We made love a lot as well. He was begging for me to take him in the bathroom, I remember myself smiling at how cute he was. It turned out to be that he missed me because he was away for a few days for his football tournament. I thought that he was cute, so I kissed him hard on his lips before I bit the skin on his chest. He moaned, and I lost my mind.

And then I see a photo of him sleeping, I click to enlarge to photo. It was taken when he accidentally fell asleep at the library. Sehun isn't a fan of biology but his best friend, Jongdae made him study the growth of cells for hours. When I came to the library to fetch him, he was already sleeping and Jongdae was staring at me like: "Your boyfriend is such a lazy ass, but he's cute, so he's forgiven." I smiled at Jongdae, and then I thanked him for taking care of Sehun. Jongdae told me that Sehun got tired easily lately, I told him that Sehun was fine, but I lied. Sehun was not fine. He just underwent a chemotherapy cycle yesterday and he threw up a lot that morning, that explains why he fell asleep. He was tired, but of course, he hates biology too. 

By the time I click on the nth photo, Chanyeol is already standing outside of the ward. "It's your turn," he says. Chanyeol's eyes are so red, and Baekhyun looks as messy as he is. I could only hug him to assure him that we will be fine. I hug Baekhyun too, and he hugs me tighter. I don't know what to say to him so I entangle myself from him and give him a smile.

When I enter the ward, Sehun is lying on his hospital bed, of course, he hasn't moved an inch since last week. I take a seat beside him, and I stare at him for at least 10 minutes without saying a word. I want to remember his face. I want my brain to remember every corner of his face, I want to sketch the outlines of his face inside my head and keep it securely so that I won't ever forget how beautiful he looks like. I want to remember the shape of his lips. I want to remember his pretty eyes. God! I want to remember every inch of him. Every line, every mole, every scar - everything of him. Once I'm convinced that I have remembered everything about his face, I dare myself to hold his hand.

Sehun's hand is cold, so cold, colder than his hand when I held it for the first time in the winter last year. I hold it tight before I kiss it. "How are you?" I ask but of course, he doesn't reply. "You know, Sehun. Sometimes, I wish you can tell me that you're alright, that you're fine and you're happy but then I remember how strong you are so it's okay. You don't have to answer me. I know you're alright, and you're fine. You'll always be fine, my love."

I smile a little upon remembering how strong of a person Sehun is. He doesn't even complain about the chemo port on his chest, but I know that it hurts a lot. He doesn't even cry when the pain gets so intense, but I know that he is on the verge of screaming on top of his lungs. Sehun is just so strong. He won't do things that will make us worry about him. He is convinced that he's alright even if he's not. "Lately, I think about you a lot. About what we could be, about what I can actually give you but I want you to know that it doesn't mean I regret that I date a dying man. I never regret loving you, let alone meeting you."

"But I can't lie to you. When I think about you, I imagine myself coming home and seeing you waiting for me at the dinner table, and I hug you so close that you could barely breathe. I can actually see ourselves, a few years from now with four kids. We will walk around the park together, with one in each hand. And you're going to smile at me and say: _**"Jongin, I love you so much."**_ and guess what? I will be saying the same thing because I love you so much, Sehun. So much." I cry. I know I have sworn to Sehun that I won't but I cry because it hurts so badly. I can't do it. I am breaking into pieces.

"I love you so much that I give you a permission to leave me. I don't want to see you like this anymore. I don't want you to hold your tears, I don't want to hear you silently moan in pain, I don't want you to go through countless of surgeries anymore. I want you to be happy, somewhere up there. I am fine here, I am fine so if you want to leave, just leave. Every day, I pray to God to not take you away from me because without you I lose my way, I lose my purpose to live but then I realize that I am so selfish to pray for something that will put you through so much pain. I know I imagine us having kids, I imagine us waking up next to each other but Sehun, that doesn't mean I hate being with you now. For God's sake, I don't mind being reborn in this exact universe all over again, as long as I meet you, I don't mind, Sehun."

"But I don't want you to go through this pain all over again, so if you leave now, I hope we will meet again in a different universe where you don't have to leave me like this, where we both can live happily as a family." I cry harder than before. I kiss his hand again, and then I slowly take off the oxygen mask that is clasped around his face and quickly give a peck on his lips. I kiss his forehead and then both of his eyes, and I whisper to him: "I love you now, as I love you even then. I will love you more each day until the end of my life." I take out the tiny red box from my backpack, and I slide through the silver ring on his finger - and then I ask him: " Sehun, would you marry me?"

He doesn't answer me, but I know, he'll say yes if he can.

 

 

 

 

***

Sehun leaves me a few hours after that.

He left me a note. Baekhyun gave it to me a few days after he left.

 

 

> He says: _"Jongin, I want you to know that I am alright. Yes, I'm in pain but you keep me going. I'm sorry that I have to leave you alone but I have told your dogs to take care of you. They are more trustworthy than Chanyeol anyway. Jongin, thank you for loving me, thank you for making me happy. I owe you a lot, I wish I can repay everything but you know I can't. But I promise you that I will keep my eyes on you up in the clouds. I'll save you when you're in danger. I'll show you the way when you're lost. I force God to make me your guardian angel. Lastly, I know that you haven't asked me about it yet but I know you will. So here's my answer. Yes, Jongin I will marry you. And I love you, then, now - forever."_

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Sometimes, we lose someone we love so much and it hurts like hell. I know that there's nothing we can do to overcome the pain. Every day, we miss him/her more than we did the day before. We wake up from our sleep hoping that it's all a dream. We pray to God every day to bring him/her back. We are on the verge of dying, we are so close to being insane. I feel you, I have lost someone I love so much too. But I hope you can continue living because he/she wants you to live and he/she wants you to be the happiest version of yourself. Trust me, he/she is somewhere, up there looking at you and hoping that you can keep that smile on your face forever.


End file.
